Some simple realizations can be profound and can open our eyes in incredible ways to bring us instant peace. Many situations become much clearer as we are able to see them differently now. This clarity brings a level of relief that years of ‘thinking’ can not!
I had this experience some time ago while talking to my friend and what she said changed the way I saw people and situations. (Hema – so grateful to you! :))
Relationship Questions that bother us-
Be they our friends, family members or co-workers….at some point or another, we face relationship issues with people around us. We are disturbed, and ask questions –
“HOW can anyone behave this way?
Omg, WHY did she do that?
How COULD they say this?
WHY does he behave this insensitively?
Did she HAVE to say that? ”
These were questions that would pop in my mind when someone did something unpleasant or spoke something nasty and hurtful or behaved in ways that hurt me. I also wondered how and why some people have a negative outlook of everything. It seemed there wasn’t one single thing some people were grateful and happy about. WHY are they that way?! I would ask myself.
We also question situations that happen to us. WHY is this happening with me? This is a topic for another blogpost ! 🙂
Seeking answers
When people around us behave, speak or respond in ways that differ from how we want them to, obviously it disturbs us. We question their conduct and want answers to all the questions that pop up in our minds. We want the answers, not just some answers!
(Of course! The important question to also ask, and answer honestly is – have I myself been hurtful, inconsiderate, rude, or selfish?)
Most times however, we do not get any answers, leave alone the answers we want!
And then what? It is a cycle of analysis, overthinking, feeling low and perhaps even introspection and reflection. The mind is definitely not at peace under such circumstances.
Understanding why this was disturbing me
In the first place, what causes us to be affected by other people’s actions and words? It is actually quite simple! When I look at another’s behaviour, it is always in comparison to MY standards of what is nice or not, what’s right or wrong, what is correct or not! It is also about how I myself would have behaved quite differently with them in that situation.
Well, I would Never behave this way ! is what I would think.
I would never say or do something that hurts them. Then why are they doing this to me? – is what I asked.
The comparison and connection is about whether their actions or words are in sync and on level with MY standards of ethics, principles, values and understanding of the world.
Many times, there is no match between what I want and what I get. The difference, the asynchrony, the mismatch, is what makes another’s actions or words hurtful and unacceptable !
Usually the hurt comes because in these mismatched situations we feel – not valued, judged, ignored, rejected, disapproved, criticized, mocked, betrayed, insulted or being taken for granted. It could be just one, or a mix of these feelings.
Reality – different souls, different worldviews, different paths.
Truth is, we are all shaped by many different factors throughout our lives.
My standards are derived from my knowledge, my thoughts, my beliefs and my experiences.
Person X can never have the same knowledge, thoughts and experiences as I do, consequently, there is bound to be differences in perspectives on just about everything.
Everyone is carrying a certain baggage in terms of their opinions, views and experiences of the world, whatever stage of life they may be in. Yes, these experiences and worldviews change with time for many.
What I think is right can be wrong for another. What I deem as hurtful behaviour may be perfectly justified by another. Our actions are completely different from another individual’s because our thought processes are different. I may be looking at the world with blue glasses and another may be looking at the same world with red ones! Our world views are different. Behaviour is simply an outcome of what beliefs, biases, assumptions and values are dominant in our minds. Since these factors vary from person to person, to expect behaviour that is in line with my expectations is futile !
Labeling people helps me understand them through my lenses only. But it makes no difference to them, doesn’t affect them in any way. It can’t change anyone’s behaviour to make ME feel happier. That’s just how they’re meant to be. So for our own peace, we can either understand them, accept them, ignore them, or just let them go if their actions are not in sync with what we want and deserve.
Reality – different levels of understanding & enlightenment
We are all at different levels of understanding, enlightenment and realization of the world throughout our lives. Finally, what a person says, how he/she behaves or does is connected to their level of consciousness, maturity and spiritual evolution...and is the net result of their karmic baggage, whether good or bad, positive or negative.
The realization which set me amazingly free –
Everyone that I see around are all individual souls that are in search of the fulfilment of their own destinies, to reach their own destinations, following their own paths in the way they know, whether in ignorance or enlightenment, through conscious thinking or non-thinking.
People are simply acting according to the directions of THEIR paths, their destiny, their souls, through their personalities, and their understanding of life, whatever that level might be. This I need not question, I need to merely, simply accept.
I have nothing whatsoever directly to do with another’s actions, words and thoughts. It is a very individual thing. The karma/the totality of actions we do is ours to carry. What anyone does or says, positive or negative, good or bad, is theirs to carry.
If I am inconsiderate and hurtful to someone, it is because of the level of understanding that I am at, at this point in life.
If I am loved and respected, it is because through my actions, somewhere I am influencing someone in positive, uplifting, elevating, enlightening ways.
Through good thoughts, actions and words, I raise my level of vibrations. With this, my level and quality of living as well as the level and quality of people I attract and interact with rises.
Do not allow others to take away your peace
This realization does NOT in any way mean that we must accept hurtful behaviour or be silent when we are treated badly. On the other hand, we can look at people around us calmly, with the knowledge that whatever is their behaviour, it is indeed THEIR own choice and the consequences too must be borne by them. If it makes sense to vocalize our feelings, then we must do that and just step away.
Freedom through Realizing/Accepting
The greatest freedom and peace lies in understanding this. To realise that everyone (including oneself) follows their own individual path which is in their destiny, that their lives are meant to be led just that way with that kind of behaviour and action.
When we internalize this simple realization above, we know that questioning others’ actions and wishing they would act differently, according to our wishes, is a futile and meaningless thing to do!
Their actions could be appealing to us or not …but there’s no need to overthink or struggle to understand or question why a person behaves the way he or she does. And I don’t mean to say this in a negative way. It is meant to be that way, their soul’s state points out that kind of path.
A CHANGED PERSPECTIVE – MY PEACE
When I see people clearly just as individual souls, souls in search of their own destination, fulfilment, and liberation (mukti), every individual doing it in their own way, I am able to view the world a bit more dispassionately.
This is the outlook that gives me great peace! I am empowering myself to keep my emotions in a steady and managed level that allows me to just see everyone including myself as ‘divine souls on individual paths’. It is a beautiful and uplifting feeling to be able to do this. 🙂
Do share what your outlook is on being calm and at peace despite a mismatch in expectations of behaviour and actual outcome in your interactions/situations ! Cheerio ! 🙂
